The Unfinished Inner Child

My child self-says: glitter!

My adult self-responds-

you’ll get in trouble.

My child self-says: they’ll be covered in it.

this the only possible method of proper punishment!

I have to do this- sneakily, I need your help.

and some chocolate. ya.

My adult self responds- and then?

 

My child self-

and then run.

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Excusing Abuse

The minutes tick by one at a time, knowing that I do not have the energy for a today or a tomorrow- If I am laying in bed, staring at the ceiling unsure of the next action to take. But in my haze, atleast, I can remember that one thing: the people that are most abusive are often the most silent, the most unobservant of thier behavior, the most focused on ‘self-improvement’ that appear to be often moving from one group, clique, fad, or even religion to the next like water.

Men suffer too, and yet rarely feel it’s ok to speak up- they are the best at hiding it, and often the last to say their truth.

This is something I’ve been sad about lately- I really hate that feeling that any man I care about even as a friend- is being manipulated or abused at all. But every once in a great often, I hear these syllables seem to repeat themselves.

‘I feel that some of her choices in parenting are somewhat abusive.’

This is a scary thought, in general to hear from a friend of 20+ years- reaching out, hoping to find some hope mutually- but it’s happened over and over again in my life.

If a female is abusive- a man’s feeling of manilness is already challenged. A man’s confidence in doing his job, and fulfilling his role already feels unworthy. Before he’s even, left for his morning- it’s already started. And is it loving?

No.

Is it kind?

No.

And does he know that it’s not healthy?

Yes. of course he does. He’s just not prepared to make the final move. She’s spent all this time programming him to believe that he is never going to find anybody that truly loves him. She’s invested years of suffocating attachment into his daily life, making sure that he comes home to her- even if she herself has cheated. In her mind, she’s simply securing her marraige, and preparing for an aging partnership. In her mind, these things she does are her ‘job’ and she must fulfill them as wife- the only possible way to keep a man is to manipuate him.

For a man, he’s repeatedly told that this is normal behavior it’s a female being a female. But he hears it so many times that he believes that is all that it is. He goes to everyone in his life, they are already convinced she’s perfect- she’s just in a bad mood that day. every month, or every 7 days, maybe, until the behaviors start to add up.

Then one day- eventually, she looses control of herself- and actually really hurts someone. Her children, her spouse, her aging parents- there are a lot of potential targets after 15 years. Nobody suspects a thing, until it becomes clear, obvious, and undoubtedly HER.

It seems odd to say but it’s just not fair that abuse goes both directions, becomes sometimes simply mutually abusive, and eventually becomes psychologically draining.

An abusive person really does try just about everything in the book- to get to thier object of desire. Then having achieved it? They get bored, and tend to forget you exist kind of like a portable computerized pet they have to feed periodically.

But many of us? Actually stayed in relationships like this- for a long time before it became apparent, Most of us, actually fought for relationships like that because then they didnt’ have to. A lot of people stay in relationships like this, and simply chalk it all up to ‘it’s just our history’.

The sad thing that bothers me though, is that if it’s a female experiencing it, it’s often quiet but obvious. If it’s a male experiencing it, it may go completely unnoticed.

But most of the time if it finally does end? The response seems to be unanimous, that there is simply a ‘disagreement’ and the 2 parties have chosen to ‘agree to disagree’. The disagreement is really that one feels that the other should STOP being abusive, and the other does not feel that they are.

And no abuser usually feels that they are truly abusive, it often takes months of counseling for this to be directly identified, discussed and diagnosed.

But flying monkeys are flying monkeys, there is no up, there is no left to right in an abusive relationship, everything in a giant spiraling out of processing emotional ick.

Filtering out toxicity like your life depends on it.

Living day to like like you may not have a next day.

But mostly, preparing for the day that you leave, and learning to hide it like you are a troll.

Do men ever escape this? Someday I hope I find out.

Book Response: You Can Lead A Horse to Water but you can’t make them Cha cha.

I’ve had this really interesting journey lately learning more and more about the longterm effects of abusive behavior. I’m pretty sure I’ve lived over half of my life experiencing, and re-experiencing these conundrums in life that have become a state of normalized toxicity. I didn’t have the solution. I didn’t have the clear signs or red flags in my mind. I could not have possibly truly confirmed- the state of mind of person after person that I keep reminding myself: I met through a friend that had established a state of trust, felt terrible that this happened, and yet- friend after friend could not have predicted I’d come to face to face to my personal, nightmare in my 20’s and again in my thirties.

It’s funny how the first time it happens, you actually desire to be forgiving- you feel violated and you need that feeling to resolve quickly, and so you re attatch over and over again, not even realizing this is not going to at all change or pacify thier behavior. Days later, you are still on your porch crying, confused, and lost in the shame of the belief system that failed you.

Everyone around you says: you didn’t notice? you didn’t see the signs? you didn’t question this person’s psychological state of mind any time before this moment?

And the hardest response that I had to realize from this book- is NO- no I did not have a big ‘enough’ red flag before that moment, that conflict, that uprising of abuse- to be able to magically predict the intended outcome of this man’s behavior.

Some things I’ve learned in the process of reading that I’ve found really useful are the narratives that she has used to present these ‘cases’- and the nature of the ‘leading of’ the horse to the water.

I did not realize actually that the most common denominator in many of these situations is actually the man’s mother, the mothers that raise their children in a kind of narcissistic hell, and the girls that also at the age of reason- also have become simply brainwashed themselves to mirror this behavior. The state of men experiencing abuse and manipulation from the female narcissistic abuser is simply- not often accounted for in a long stream of courts that do not recognize the rights of a father.

This book, did help me see some things about myself and brought me to a place in a short time frame that really helped me see that there is a route to healing. That not only can I heal personally, but that I also have a right to assert that at any given time. Especially to those guys that come into play later in the game- coming into a situation becoming aware of your story and then they also tend to utilize your backstory as their game.

I just felt like giving a big shout out to the author of this book tonight, after having gone to some counseling sessions myself recently to really gain perspective on it all from an unbiased source that can also appreciate this author’s point of view.

If I could give this book ten stars, I am probably going to find a way to!

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Healing Brain Trauma and Injury: A Response to Video by Daniel Carcillo

Today is an off the cuff kind of day. I somehow got up and caught this video on one of my online groups, and it has been very revealing. For those that have not seen this, you can find the original video by looking up his name and then look for the video that is about treating Brain Trauma and Injury. It’s kind of amazing thinking that someone that has had so many injuries is able to fluidly put together such a deep and important statement about the healing process itself.

I grew up having a sister that has epilepsy and has thus fallen a million times over and hurt herself, more ways that I can count on both hands over the years. It has not been very many years since she actually fell ‘up’ the stairs in the middle of the night in a new home and just crawled in bed not even being aware that her head is bleeding profusely from running into the hand rail. Just this injury alone, from a small siezure, required major facial surgery to repair the broken bones in her face, sinuses, jaw, and to check for further trauma to her brain.

I have been curious for a really long time, about the nature of these kind of head injuries changing her personality, changing her manner of expressing her emotions, changing her thinking, changing her focus, and making it very hard for her to have a normal life at all.

This video by this former NHL player has me really curious as to what kind of treatments they are doing in these plasticity centers and if there is any success rate or failure rate of any of these treatment plans. Having spent *years* travelling back and forth from the leading, state of the art, neurology center here- and being exposed to these issues throughout my life, I have learned a lot. But one thing that has remained steadfast is that there is never going to be a treatment to heal the brain damage that is caused from these varied types of brain trauma. Therefore, eventually my sister is going to be a vegetable that cannot fully think for herself, and someday- though there have been so many attempts to prevent it, she is going to end up in long term care earlier than most- can plan on not living to be 100, or even 80, and most likely is never going to have a normal partnership, lifestyle, or even just a normal day on her feet.

I am learning a lot from this video, that brain trauma can actually cause major personality changes. I learned recently that one of the major reasons that my sister can be so brutal at times, in her mood changing from houyr to hour, is because the epicenter of her siezures is in the front right lobe and because of that her centers for compassion and expressing love are damaged. Actually, they are gone, the area had been removed by a surgeon about 2 years ago- on the hope that this could eliminate most of her seizures.

Actually, it did and the number of seizures that she has currently is dramatically reduced, but her day to day behavior is very hard to accept at times. Some days it is mostly normal and she seems like herself, but most days she has heavy mood swings and has a tendency to lash out about things easily.

I really hope that this NHL player is able to bring more information to the forefront about these programs that help to heal the brain, because he is right- one thing that he mentions is the prevalence of Parkinson’s, Altimer’s, and Dementia for those that have sustained major brain injuries. In all of its irony, anybody that has epilepsy has some understanding that every time they have a seizure it is like a storm that injures the brain progressively over time. Each seizure drives the damage a little further, and over the course of a lifespan, they tend to increase, not reduce unless medication is used to control it.

Also, those that have family members that have epilepsy are keenly aware of the trouble that they get into, having falls, and petite mal seizures that cause them to not remember anything that has happened. Thus, creating the cognitive problem too- of not having a memory to help explain to others anything that has happened to them in those minutes that literally ‘anything’ can happen. good or bad.

I am really grateful that this former NHL player has brought his mission to the table in treating traumatic brain injury because this is no joke, to spend a life time fighting the great ‘man’ and having a brain that is not on your side? It’s the hardest fight ever. At some point you are just fighting for your soul, to overcome the brain, and the heart, to take up the slack that the brain cannot. For the words to come out right, for the thoughts you do have and are important to be relayed clearly- at all, to someone that can actually help you get on track again.

Spiritually, haven’t we always known that the brain heals itself? Scientifically, we are still trying to determine how. That makes this man’s journey, pretty deeply amazing if you think about it. He’s proving to the rest of the world that these injuries can also heal, and mend, and the dysfunction that comes from the rest- can be limited over time.

I am amazed, curious, enlightened, and really looking forward to learning more about his journey- his process, and this amazing facility that has had such a success rate- but does not appear to be affiliated to any of the major neurology centers that I have visited.

 

Love, as an Addiction.

I try to sleep at night, but sleep is sometimes just my enemy. Love is an addiction that you can’t fight sometimes, can’t satiate, can’t just defeat. You love one- and then other decides it is time. You love the other, and then the one- needs your attention spontaneously. You begin to wonder if life is ever going to settle enough, just that ‘enough’ to have the joy you need.

I get up, I roll around, repeatedly, trying to find the easiest spot to just be. Everything feels wired, tired, and confusing for hours- as I stare at the ceiling sometimes just hoping this is not going to be another day suffering through it all. The thoughts roll through my brain- repeating endlessly, am I being compassionate? Or am I just numb? Did I smell? Did he really say that? Did he really mean that? Should I take him seriously, or should I just let him be?

Sex is great- but it’s just not everything at this age.

I roll over a thousand more times, check the ever impending deadlines of doom until I can’t stand the sight of the screen. I check the time over and over again. Am I sure it’s not going to rain? Am I sure it’s not going to be a thousand degrees tomorrow? Am I sure that I am ready to quit smoking, maybe I’m not ready for love. Maybe I’m just not ready to be love a thousand percent, maybe I can’t accept the giving and I should?

Men perplex me. One loves you a million times over he feels that if even once in the ten years of having your presence in his life that you could ever love him- that you’d be just right for him. The other runs and avoids you like the plague it feels like sometimes, but says he loves you a million times over. And hopes you’ll come find him on occasion, gets down and calls you in the middle of the night, breaks up, breaks down he can’t fight it any longer.

The one really love and need, he’s still caught in his own mess.

And in the middle of it all- nobody has time to just be there for you. Nobody has time to just relax, put your hand in theirs, and take a moment to look at those stars- and imagine the years that could become from this one moment.

 

 

 

Kids and Guns Episode 2018

As I drove back from my hometown that day, starbucks in hand, bravely bringing a friend tylenol that had a bad day- i never thought once that, i’d be turning on the tv to see these images just days later.

A thirteen year old child, 2 hand guns, one brave science teacher- and though the trauma, it- clings, a hero has been born in a sense. That kind of unpredictable moment that one story has begun and another is over. You just never can be sure- that it’s not going to be your school, your home, your kid, your day spent waiting for hours for the results of a giant life test. not the kind that requires scantrons and do they even do that anymore? the little holes you have to learn to perfect filling in, if you truly believe in education in the 90’s.

But today? those little pieces of paper that remind us too- education is not the same.

I drove home at 2am, and I never thought I’d end up seeing the place I grew up all over every channel of every station of the news. every radio broadcast. every mile I drove to and from my modest job, in my modest car, in my limited life- I am suddenly just a little more grateful for, than the day before.

The world has just become, a different place today.

But in the sudden trauma too, there is a beauty. Everyone is just a little bit kinder, just a little less difficult, Just a little more understanding of each other. Just a little more listening, and a little less talking. Just a little more gratitude, and little less complaining, everywhere you look.

It is the great pause- the breath of a community held in momentary silence. The sigh of relief of every parent for a hundred miles.

A teacher just came out of surgery taking three bullets, and a hundred kids, just lived.

Has no one thought to thank the universe yet?

Music and Drugs

I’ve not often talked about this- but it’s a fair topic.

I never realized how much I could learn from playing a djembe, or picking up a flute, or singing fireside just appreciating the vibe. So many amazing people that have influenced my life started on a spark of a log, hands stretched and heart open, embracing the stars, and learning a new rhythm.

The one thing I can’t stand about hand drummers, besides the superficial contribution of a bunch of could be’s paying thousands of dollars for drums? is the drugs. It actually really deeply bothers me, that every invitation I get, I have to strongly evaluate before accepting. I have check every list of RSVP’s, I have ensure that I take nothing on me that could be potentially stolen, or that could be viewed as valueable. I have to go through the list of every person that is most likely to attend- and never the less?

there’s always one, incognito, drug dealer. selling pain meds to a pot head. dosing people and not people that actually do enjoy these ‘higher end drugs’.

I haven’t been to a larger drum circle for literally years- because the risk is too high. There are too many people that try to get too close to me. There are too many people out there, that aren’t ‘just smoking pot’ or appear to be safely smoking pot, and are just big liars sort of perched on the edge of a mission: drums for drugs.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize the value of music.

But does it have to cost so many people thier lives? Quality of experience? And?

when did it become normal to dose people? knowing they aren’t open to it.

It makes me feel like my talent, my ability, my contribution is just not really worthwhile-given to all the wrong  people.

all for a beat. or 2.

Mothering

I have to admit that most days, I still feel like I am going to die-atleast a couple of times a week, I just feel like I could pass out for no particular reason at all. I double over in pain, unsure if I’ll ever make out of this maze of doctoring. But underneath all of the pain, I am still a mother in my  own way. My ovaries, they speak- in subtle undertones of waiting until I am thirty, tired, and torn- to consider having kids.

 

I’ve helped raise so many children that are not my own and now? They are all grown. Yet, on mothers day I rarely even imagine honoring myself. But I do think about my ovaries a lot- or they think for me sometimes. Honoring the femenine doesn’t always come from space of a modern family. A lot of dads are mom’s these days too.

Secretly I hope that someday- I’ll have a man that loves to stay home and take care of the kids, so that I can finally- just have a great career. Or atleast a man that enjoys actually being in his kids lives- that isn’t just committed to me forever- but is also deeply committed to his children.

Something I never really had- my biological father there, everyday come hell or high water. The great reason i have not had children yet myself- a deep and good reason to step back and let life present oppourtunities as they come. Instead of putting all my literal ovarian eggs in one basket hoping that someone is going to finally stay?

Eventually. Someday. Right?

But sadly most of the men I have dated- they don’t, they can’t. Or they just plain feel like they are going to get thier wings clipped by the relationship itself.

But here is the thing about that.

Females- they need thier freedom too. They need thier freedom and thier space, and thier girlhood- and thier right to run wild sometimes too. It’s not just men that deserve FREEDOM,  that deserve and need space of thier own.

Not ever girl wants a career. Not every girl truly needs children. Not every girl is made- to bear a man’s children and then be left in the dust, hoping for a better answer.

I am not made to be used up, raising other people’s children- giving my compassion to those that have no sense of caring anymore. Begging others to love in compassion, is not my style, or need. Begging others to care about thier children personally- is not my job. Pleading with the great universe for a man to come home and take care of his kids, is not the path I need to make ME a better person.

It certainly doesn’t make me a happier person, it doesn’t make anybody happier or better.

But some of us in life, each are just a mother to everyone that we run into. Putting our arm around the whole world, we can’t escape the nature of the need for nurturing.

But I have to admit, I feel used up myself- too often, for all the worst things.

Time, Money, Career, but usually eventually for my mothering instinct, ability- to just do the thing, that most people don’t or can’t or refuse to do..

calm the heart of the child. bring them the safety they need to be true to the person they are, and be all of themselves- no regrets.

But do I get my own?

Nope Nope- because everyone is too scared to make a plan, and actually follow through.

Then others they’d have to step up, and admit, these patterns are abusive.

Late Comebacks

What I meant to say was-

how dare you try to take my men?

 

They are all fuckaholics, alcoholics, half-wits,

and they aren’t very good at cheating either.

But they do it, a lot.

 

Well, I suppose if you insist- you can have one.

But I’m warning you-

take off your shoes and get ready-

to stand in the kitchen. never having children.

don’t worry he loves bologna, with American cheese.

and when he farts under the covers at 2am-you’ll understand.

 

Would you like the one that tried to kill me and himself,

or the one that tried to drown himself in rum?

there is quite a selection here you realize.

They are all well aged, and vintage.

We have Sweet, and sour-

dark and mysterious,

or for the adventurous-

confused. pickled, and loves fetishes.

 

Ode to the jealous, narcissistic woman-

who can’t help but want what you have,

a life that looks better than theirs,

though a life of thier own would help.

 

I can’t be sure, but based on these rules

which I did not invent-

If I start dating myself,

she may become a lesbian.