I try to sleep at night, but sleep is sometimes just my enemy. Love is an addiction that you can’t fight sometimes, can’t satiate, can’t just defeat. You love one- and then other decides it is time. You love the other, and then the one- needs your attention spontaneously. You begin to wonder if life is ever going to settle enough, just that ‘enough’ to have the joy you need.
I get up, I roll around, repeatedly, trying to find the easiest spot to just be. Everything feels wired, tired, and confusing for hours- as I stare at the ceiling sometimes just hoping this is not going to be another day suffering through it all. The thoughts roll through my brain- repeating endlessly, am I being compassionate? Or am I just numb? Did I smell? Did he really say that? Did he really mean that? Should I take him seriously, or should I just let him be?
Sex is great- but it’s just not everything at this age.
I roll over a thousand more times, check the ever impending deadlines of doom until I can’t stand the sight of the screen. I check the time over and over again. Am I sure it’s not going to rain? Am I sure it’s not going to be a thousand degrees tomorrow? Am I sure that I am ready to quit smoking, maybe I’m not ready for love. Maybe I’m just not ready to be love a thousand percent, maybe I can’t accept the giving and I should?
Men perplex me. One loves you a million times over he feels that if even once in the ten years of having your presence in his life that you could ever love him- that you’d be just right for him. The other runs and avoids you like the plague it feels like sometimes, but says he loves you a million times over. And hopes you’ll come find him on occasion, gets down and calls you in the middle of the night, breaks up, breaks down he can’t fight it any longer.
The one really love and need, he’s still caught in his own mess.
And in the middle of it all- nobody has time to just be there for you. Nobody has time to just relax, put your hand in theirs, and take a moment to look at those stars- and imagine the years that could become from this one moment.