I’ve had this really interesting journey lately learning more and more about the longterm effects of abusive behavior. I’m pretty sure I’ve lived over half of my life experiencing, and re-experiencing these conundrums in life that have become a state of normalized toxicity. I didn’t have the solution. I didn’t have the clear signs or red flags in my mind. I could not have possibly truly confirmed- the state of mind of person after person that I keep reminding myself: I met through a friend that had established a state of trust, felt terrible that this happened, and yet- friend after friend could not have predicted I’d come to face to face to my personal, nightmare in my 20’s and again in my thirties.
It’s funny how the first time it happens, you actually desire to be forgiving- you feel violated and you need that feeling to resolve quickly, and so you re attatch over and over again, not even realizing this is not going to at all change or pacify thier behavior. Days later, you are still on your porch crying, confused, and lost in the shame of the belief system that failed you.
Everyone around you says: you didn’t notice? you didn’t see the signs? you didn’t question this person’s psychological state of mind any time before this moment?
And the hardest response that I had to realize from this book- is NO- no I did not have a big ‘enough’ red flag before that moment, that conflict, that uprising of abuse- to be able to magically predict the intended outcome of this man’s behavior.
Some things I’ve learned in the process of reading that I’ve found really useful are the narratives that she has used to present these ‘cases’- and the nature of the ‘leading of’ the horse to the water.
I did not realize actually that the most common denominator in many of these situations is actually the man’s mother, the mothers that raise their children in a kind of narcissistic hell, and the girls that also at the age of reason- also have become simply brainwashed themselves to mirror this behavior. The state of men experiencing abuse and manipulation from the female narcissistic abuser is simply- not often accounted for in a long stream of courts that do not recognize the rights of a father.
This book, did help me see some things about myself and brought me to a place in a short time frame that really helped me see that there is a route to healing. That not only can I heal personally, but that I also have a right to assert that at any given time. Especially to those guys that come into play later in the game- coming into a situation becoming aware of your story and then they also tend to utilize your backstory as their game.
I just felt like giving a big shout out to the author of this book tonight, after having gone to some counseling sessions myself recently to really gain perspective on it all from an unbiased source that can also appreciate this author’s point of view.
If I could give this book ten stars, I am probably going to find a way to!