I think pain makes me think differently. My pain is all over through my stomach and my ribs. All my upper abdominal areas spleen and stomach for sure makes me feel like I am being pinched or pricked hard at first it I’d just a sharp repetitive pain that seems to transform into other pains. At first it is just the cramping painful pressure of everything needing to move and go but not going without severe pain.
Then it is just an onslaught. The pricking sharpness becomes a dull ache lower in my stomach. Upper colon.
Then it just hurts like hell in the middle and I only wish I could puke it all up. That would be ten times easier. But no.
It just creates an unstoppable unquenchable pain right in the middle. Everything wants to move easily but can’t. It all becomes stuck and freakishly scary pain.
It moves into my sides and hips and just seems to echoe through me. All of me. Every piece of me I thought safe and well is suddenly under the attack if the great stomach alien.
It hits my hips…and becomes unbearable unstoppable right about at that 3rd or fourth or second vertebrae.
Yet there are no stones or lesions or tumors or ulcers on my tests at all.
It hurts like an alien child that lost its mother and has come back to take revenge.
I am tempted to call my pain Darth. Because that would be more appropriate.
It leaves me crying stange tears that come on and never quite leave until it’s long over. Like a sweat that only can come through my eyes.
I am drenched in sweat..heat…tears…and the salt of the problem pushing itself out if my body in any possible way.
No amount of pain or abdominal medication seems to change this at all..it is only like putting it on a delirious pause.
When the pain is done in my stomach colon spleen and vertebrae of my lower back…and has viciously spit me out leaving me messed up completely…
It simply spreads to my muscles bones face head..migraines body pain through and through.
Feel like ive been run over by a mack truck that is not love. But only a masque of what I thought love was a long long time ago in innocence and cognitive dissonance.
The Darth takes over my entire soul..exhausting my energy…completely.
I am drained like I’ve never been drained in my entire life.
Why do the doctors keep putting me through this as though the pain is not that bad?
The migraines come and dull headaches take over and in my numbness idk.
I may not even recognize a normal headache anymore.
It seems like it’s just always there but comes back and fights me sometimes.
I’m battling an invisible beast in the dark with no name. I’m sometimes lost in the pain in my my mind..talking to myself into and out of strategic meditation over and over again.
At some point I am floating in the feeling of all the abdominal medications and emotional experiences.
I’d think I’d had stroke but that happened long ago…its just the pain now..the floating keeps me in check…the river of healing energy that I cling to. The feeling that for a moment in between excruciating pains….
I am just one with the sea the stars and the universe.
It is a humbling feeling that lasts only as long as I can stay in the floating zone of trance and meditation. It is deeper than just meditation. It is deeper than just reiki or healing prayers.
There I feel everyone everything that is or has happened all in one floating montage of images and dream like journeying to the center of the soul.
But if I get pulled out of my dream time I am in deep pain again. If i come out to soon the pain only repeats. Comes back resurging.
In the twilight of my pain I am at peace in a very different and difficult way. But it is there. I go to my bubble of the deep priestess healing herself. I go to the dream world in day time and I am ok.
But pain it makes you think badly about everything…
And i hate being pulled out of my deep deep deep trance by noises and lights and yelling and just really upset people.
Upset at me for being sick even if I cant control the fact that it happened like that at all.
Sometimes all I feel is the step hurtful blame of those that believe I should be able to do better for myself or manage myself and my pain better…
But staring at the ceiling in silent meditation for hours of my life has convinced me that there is no better control over these pains..
Than just deep deep meditation and self propelled hope. True belief in the love and good to prevail…
Atleast in my pain bubble of healing I am not being yelled at insulted, berated, upset intentionally or hurt more.
Unless I look at my phone.
Which I have learned to just ignore and not read incoming non emergency texts…or calls.
Becauwe then I’ll just be more stressed and triggered.
I have learned these words…
No I cannot not today…yes I still care no it is not your fault I am in pain. No you cannot really do much to help but be patient and kind.
And for some I have to just say
If you cant handle it leave me the fuck alone.