I am in pain. I am in pain more of the time than I ever let on. I have been in pain for 9 years. Yes I have done the work. Yes I have tried a lot of treatments. Yes some provide some kind of relief for a time. Yes some help to some degree. But nothing stops it. Nothing. Ever. Nothing completely stops this pain. And this pain does not care if I am working my ass off or I am just having a good day or I am deep in problem solving or I am just having a good conversation to a close friend. This pain does not care if I am busy or stressed or momentarily actually happy for a minute.
It comes and it leaves behind certain destruction. Everytime. Weeks months may go on cleaning up the mess of the pain inside me.
No it is NOT just a psychological pain or problem or just anxiety or just depression.
Come on now. Y would you think an antidepressant would stop this?
I almost lost my spleen. I almost lost brain. I almost lost everything. I had a kind of weird stroke at one point and nobody even did an MRI.
These pains are real not imaginary. They are not…
‘It cant be that bad’…
I am not the one just out of my mind here.
One happened before the other ever happened. One took hold before anything else effected me.
You’re right I do things lots of things a normal human being does. I go to the gym to keep myself steady in the pain. To heal the muscles. To heal the emotions of it all…silently.
But the damm pain is real and it takes over my entire body from the inside out.
Y do you do nothing about it????
Y do you leave people hurting this way and then make it impossible to file disability even to just get the pain solved…
Just to have time to get the pain solved.
It takes months and months to see a specialist…
Do you realize how long that pain goes on while I have to wait patiently for the healthcare to get its mutual act together???
I am not just a mental health patient with ptsd. I am not just a woman getting over emotional. I am not exaggerating.
I have laid on the bathroom floor feeling like I’m going to die over and over again. Many many many times.
Because it is either do this or incurr yet another abysmal and empty ER visit where nobody really finds the problem. Or the solution.
Where I get exposed to even more germs and strife and problems and pain medications that my body doesnt react well to at all.
That do less than anyone could imagine.
And then you treat me like a damn drug addict.
As though I am in holding out on taking higher levels of medication..am trying to trick you???
This is just wrong. And I’m going to prove it even even if I end up proving with my last dying fucking death thrawl of a breath.
You and me powers that be…are going to come to a better agreement.
Or I am going to sue the fuck out of you. Even if am dead. I will make sure those that love me know who you are and that you did this to me.
Leaving a woman who’s had her life almost taken by a terrible marraige…
To just ‘get through it’ without the needed medical care..
Then blaming me as though I did something wrong to you or did not seek out the proper outlets.
I tried them all.
I’ve been through more doctors than anyone could imagine and I’ve heard it all.
Now fuck you naysayers and asshats enabling abuses to those who are sick and poor.
Fuck you rumor mongrels…
I almost died on that floor.
I almost died in that bed.
I almost died so many fucking times I lost track.
And some of you?
Were still just sitting there yelling complaining and criticizing me just for being in severe pain as though my severe pain interrupted your life…
As though my pain took from you something you were owed.
Today the pain makes me say fuck….
Thank you all good loving and good powers that be..that support me. And help me.
Even on the worst days of my pain.
But fuck you stupid legal medical powers that be..
I am coming back and I’m gonna raise the roof on your systematic drama and trauma and targeting of patients suffering in silence.
You will not keep me from my voice.
I will sing it like I am the fat lady that sings…
I am the girl on fire. From the inside out.
And I will burn anyone that seeks to cause me any further harm.