This sleep problem has my world crashing down around my ears lately. I wake up in the middle of the night and I just cant get back to sleep. I’ve had insomnia my whole life and I’ve always been a sleeper. One who likes thier rest. Now I’m just falling asleep everywhere in awkward situations and not waking up until I’ve missed everything I had planned. I’ve overslept my life a lot lately.

Something just changed somehow and I dont even know for sure when or how. If I dont get enough sleep I am left feeling dizzy and tired and zombified and totally out of it. A feeling I dont like…lack of sleep drunk.

One time when I was in my early 20s I worked so many back to back shifts in the theater that I came home from getting groceries and left my keys in the apartment door for four hours. I woke up to my boyfriend hours later explaining a neighbor returned our keys politely asking if I was ok. I’ve fallen asleep on couches next to the construction area of the theater shop. I’ve fallen asleep for hours at friends house not even realizing anything has happened.

I’ve fallen asleep in mid conversation sitting at a fire having barely hard anything to drink.

I mean when I say I fall asleep everywhere I mean I really do push myself too far sometimes trying too hard to be superwoman always believing the show must go on!

I’ve even fallen asleep during shows in between cues waking up to just chaos. But still never missing a cue!

But I’ve never experienced anything quite like this.

I fall asleep and then I cant wake up. I really really cannot wake up right. I mean I am standing up but I’m not present and the whole world is a blurry mess.

And that’s not even on my harder medications for pain.

That’s without muscle relaxers or hydrocodone or anything..and I often just dont take them even when I’m prescribed them…for this very reason.

I can be up just awake for hours not even sure what to do. I’m not intensely worried. I’m not even deeply stressed. I just check on the house and everyone, make sure all is good and ok and then I end up laying down repeatedly but not getting much real rest.

I feel the five am start to take over and I just cant try to sleep anymore. My energy feels exhausted 24 hours a day 7 days a week no matter how much sleep and rest I get it it’s never quite enough to really hold for what I need to get done.

And then sometimes I can be severely exhausted and need to sleep so so bad…but then I cant. I feel like even just a meal at the wrong time with too much sugar will throw me into another insomnia driven week of insanity.

I had to stop driving for a living. I had to stop going to work dropping tolls all over the place confused and unsure of why these medications do this to me.

I’ve had to completely reformat my life time and time again.

In all its irony, I do wake up if there is a serious problem. I’ve even coached my sister out of a siezure half asleep. It’s just seriously sometimes what a world I am living in somedays.

Sometimes I just have to breathe, breathe and meditate. And meditate some more.

I often am surprised when some random stranger sees me half asleep in my car and can tell I’m not feeling well.

And I just have to say ya I’m ok. I’m just meditating.

So much meditating.

But without many medications that work? Meditation is often the best answer.

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