It’s sunday, and today I have taken a break from my normal track to rest and recover. I’ve been reading a new book for our women’s bible study, and I really liked it at first. A few chapters in I began to feel pretty triggered, concerned, and a really unsure of what I was getting into. I’m not sure honestly if it’s that some do not realize the gravity of what they are saying when they put their expectation on young women. Or if they don’t realize that they are impressing an incredibly soul draining definition on other women they’ve never even met, because they were taught to talk this way about god from the begining.

Lately I’ve heard it all, and none of it really vibes with me. What I see are a lot of women that I love that have fallen into a kind of negative place with their woman hood because they believe what someone taught them in Sunday school is 100 percent the fact of life they can never let go of. The problem is? Some of these things are simply untrue, and maddeningly hard to get through to a conditioned manipulated survivor of abusive Christianity.

To be honest, I think it’s deeply wrong to influence any young impressionable woman in a way that would lead them to just be a doormat, target, and battering ram for incredibly deeply emotionally exploitative relationships in any religion. Just because a girl gets told these things as a girl, in christianity, doesn’t mean she won’t carry them into her adult life even in choosing other religous paths as an adult.

It’s disheartening, mostly that some of these bibles are written without the proper footnotes, and without clear original translations being used- or worse, the etymology itself is somewhat twisted to ‘fit’ a point a teacher is trying to make. It’s sad to me, that women I love have to spend years in therapy- not just more church conditioning, to understand and make peace with some strange twisted person’s version of Christianity.

I don’t think many people understand the depth these kind of underlying traumas from condition goes, or the strength it takes to recondition yourself to believe loving and self esteem driven paradigms.

Not all christian thinking is wrong. Not all groups that aren’t this group or that group are wrong. But there are twisted evils even in the church, even in the best group of seemingly most faithful people..

And the best hope I can have at this time? Is that I can feel deeply grateful for the love and suppport from many that do understand, just how hard that reconditioning process is.

I thank god that I have people in my life who are not going to judge me, shame me, ridicule me, or push me down more for having my own beliefs, and needs, and desires.

But I know, not every woman does- and not every woman can easily see the need.

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