I thought I was being loved. I thought I was in love..I thought that is what love is. I thought this is how love works. I thought a lot of things. And I was in something else, someone’s infatuation. Living on a dusty pedestal. Obsessed over. I felt obligated to show commitment and continue it. After all he took me in his heart and he took care of me better than both my fathers. He spoiled me in my mind. He bent over backwards to support my career, I thought. But really?
I only felt loved when he felt like loving me. I only felt appreciated and cared for when he would occasionally take his trophy of me out for a ride and show me some care. Which wasnt often.
He supported me. He cared for me. He loved me in all his being, I thought.
But really I was just the first of many infatuations that met his occasional delicacy of desire. I wasnt the only the one. I was the first of many. Many to be desired, to be contained in his world and in his mind he was just doing the right thing.
So can you imagine in all I’ve been through how hard it would be to trust love, true love from any man?
Well the first one was my bio father. We all know how he completely abandoned me and abused my family severely. The second one was my step father and though I learned a lot from him, he told me himself one day he got caught up in all the open marraige issues early on too. And it killed his spirit. It changed him, and it made love difficult for years to come.
So when a girl has been shown what love is by so many men and so many men have totally just destroyed her heart, a woman doesnt know how to be in love and be happy anymore and kind of many days doesnt want to be. It’s just too hard on the soul, to love with a broken heart. To love someone else with the broken pieces left all strewn and all sharp.
Step in any direction and there is a trigger, a struggle, a curiosity and a cat.
So then what does a man who is truly in love with you feel like? When you’ve been tricked so many times well you cant be sure anymore. You check every little thing. You try to make a healthy decision. You do all that you can..
But you’re usually left standing with one man who truly loves you and cares about you and is maybe even in love with you. And he totally believes in you. And it feels so so good…
But you are still living in the shattered land of what you once believed was love being broken so badly you could not have cried any less.
And it leaves you with this feeling…what does it feel like when I am really truly being loved? Does it feel different? Does it feel better than when I believed I was being truly loved? But it wasnt true so I had to let go..
Love is hard. Trust is hard. And I find that when it is too easy too good to be true it usually comes with a huge unbearable sacrifice.
But I didn’t want to be obsessed over. I didnt want to be infatuated over. I didnt want to be mislead, mis taught, and misguided. But I was, deeply so.
I’m brave enough to admit that. I loved someone with all of my being that was only infatuated with me. Stuck on a desire that was meant in his mind to only ever pleased by him.
But I say this with truth, I wasnt feeling in love like I usually do. I tried to create something out of an option I didnt even really want and tried to get out of repeatedly.
I was too scared to leave. I was too afraid to severe the ties for good for a long long time. I wasnt sexually happy. I wasnt emotionally satisfied at all. I wasnt even feeling spoiled or cared for at all.
So I know how that feels to sit there in the numbness of a cold and strange future with someone who cannot and doesnt want to please nor atleast apease my relationship needs.
I give an A to anyone who shows true effort at all to even bother. I’m not always a super easy person.
But I am also a woman and I am allowed to like sex. I am allowed to require a good loving intimate relationship if I am going to commit myself to someone for life. In any capacity wether as simply partners or in legal or spiritual marraige.
I’ve discovered that my truth pisses off the world but the worlds anger doesn’t change my truth no matter thier insistence on holding an obligation to ethically confusing mindsets.
My truth as a woman is that I’m not just allowed to, I’m supposed to be sexually happy and deeply in love with the man I choose as my partner. And if I’m not? I have all rights to leave and be happy being myself. Or being happy being with someone that I do click with.
My feeling as a woman is that if a man does not want me sexually I have all rights to find someone that does make me truly and incredibly happy.
I feel I have a right to and should be upfront when a man is not sexually pleasing to me or caught up in his own pleasure that he no longer values mine.
To be frank, any woman should absolutely dump a man before marraige if she simply does not have a deep sexual desire for him at all or vice versa.
I am I adult. I dont want to be infatuated over. I dont want to be obsessed over. I dont want to be pressured into a relationship based on a man’s fixation, odd sexual needs, or superficial beliefs about women.
I dont want to be a mans mom. I dont want to be a mans friend. I have lots of male friends I care about. They’ll still be there for me when the next one breaks my heart. Those are what true brothers are for.
I dont want a man who isnt sure if he wants me or if he wants his ex or if he wants something else. I dont want a man who wants someone else only when I am not doing as he pleases or reacting as hed hope.
I want the man who truly loves me all of me every inch of me, every little silly piece of me, because he can and he wants to. Himself. By his own volition. By his heart. By his mind. By his soul.
Not because of someone elses urging or manipulation.
I want the man that runs to me as much as I want to run to him right now..
As much as I feel it too.
I want the man who wants to turn around and come to me, when he has that moment of true god and awe in his mind and soul.
I want the man who has had that moment in his mind where he knows in his soul in all his being that I am the one for him.
The one that sticks to it because it’s all hes ever dreamed of, because we are his dream. Just as he is my dream. Even if dreams change in life sometimes. I know mine have over a long long time.
I’m gonna let that man love me. That one. The one that really truly in all of his heart knows that I am the woman he wants for good.
And guys? Dont take it the wrong way, but hoping for any less at this point in my life would let the wrong kind of people in my life.
I want the man who’s going to drive that thousand miles because he finally has that realization in his own heart.
I dont care where we end up. I dont care where we stay.
I dont care where we live.
I dont care how many kids we have or dont have.
I want what is a hundred percent real and true, and kind, and supportive, and utterly full of passion.
My question to you men out there is: if that’s not you and how you feel about me then what are you doing reading this?
Go find your one if I’m not it. Go find your one if shes not it. Go find your one that you do feel like that about if that is not or has never been how you feel about me.
If that’s not how you’ve ever felt about me? In our whole lives? Then I am not your one.