Going to a mainstream church and trying out some newer Christian styles has been a kind of deep process for me. For the last seven years I’ve been going to what I call church of J. I also have been going sporadically to a more spiritualist church locally. Which I love and deeply appreciate truly. They focus and work more on the aspects of heart healing, intuition, and are more traditional than most places i visit. It’s been a deep process really the whole time..but the more I surrender to god I find the better I brave these traumas. For me it all started really singing in a church parking lot in my car during the divorce. My therapist and I worked out a device to keep me safe and well through the trauma. I would pull over and sit at this church in the dark in front of the brightly lit cross for safety and sanity for hours sometimes. I knew I could be followed, attacked or harassed easily. But the police always patrol this lot. And it is very well lit.
So there I would sing sometimes and just take a break from all the drama so that I could be in sound mind through my step brothers cancer. He was dying. Just everyday. Brain cancer. My soon to be exhusband was just being a complete and total ass. Texts all the time just over the most random things. He started dating before I even had the money for a lawyer. Before we even had the separation legally filed.
It was a mess. I was sicker than a dog literally for months and months and months. I could not keep enough nutrients in before I’d just get sick again and be on the floor crumpled in a ball of abdominal pain for hours.
In the doctors therapists and just social confusion of it all…
I couldn’t think of any better way to put my mind back in order and so I sang…
And I sang a lot. And one day I belted it out across a large open empty field. Each day I sang a little stronger. Each time I became better at pulling my mind together.
I cried sometimes, just cried. And sang. And cried some more.
I’d lost not one but three people had already died, my husband was lost to himself and my step brother began a deep decent into brain cancer while my step father recovered. He had 8 heart attacks in less than 2 weeks.
My story is different and ten years ago I would have never set foot in a mainstream church after all the harsh traumas that came out of my home church.
But today, I am getting ready to join the church choir again for the first time since I was a kid. I always dreamed I’d sing in church choir as an adult. I learned how to sing sitting on the floor of our old church under a table just listening to all the music for hours.
I was pretty good at memorizing all the songs and notes from a very early age. This was our healing from my abusive biological father and it felt amazing.
The feeling of being surrounded by such beautiful voices and people just floating into and out of the music is a feeling to this day that has stuck to me like glue.
Like glue for pieces of a broken shattered heart.
And when I sing all the pieces of my heart heal. Or when I talk to my choir friends a lot. Its magic really. ❤
So if you’re worried about me and wondering about my choices in christianity just know..
This girl may be quiet but I love to sing. And sing strong. And regardless of others beliefs about my choices I’ve always believed in god and jesus christ as the best healers for me.
They may not be everyone’s first choice, and I didnt like the church I grew up in hurting people.
But I’m not going to take it out on jesus and the church as a whole. It’s not the fault of god or jesus or the church. It is the fault of humans that were wrong and should have been in jail for a long long time.
Instead I’m healing through it. Because in my soul I know I have to heal this mind and body and be in firm and grounded self directness.
I learned if I’m not in a good grounded place in my mind I could die just like that and I don’t want to go back to that place. I have tons if work and good left to do.
So I’d you dont like it just be at peace and move on knowing I’m just singing finding my way.
I’m not gonna go and drag others into being christian that dont agree with it or are still mad at god for thier experience.
I’m not. I’m not mad at god for my experiences because I know god is not the abusive asshole that did these things.
But I am responsible for healing the wounded even when the wounded is me.